n i c k y n a x . c o m

Today was the Disneyland Half Marathon, and somehow a miracle occurred.

I didn’t really have a set goal as far as what time I was aiming to finish, but in the back of my head I kept thinking that 2:30 would be nice if it happened. My best half marathon time ever was in 2006 when I got 2:18:55, and that was after months of heavy and consistent training, something I’ve failed to maintain doing ever since.

But this year I have tried to be a little more diligent with the training, and holy cow, did it ever pay off.

Not only did I accomplish that casual 2:30 goal, but I breezed past my previous personal record by more than seven minutes and ended up clocking in at 2:11:39.

Who knew training a little would actually pay off?!

Goofy Challenge, I’m comin for ya!

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That’s right, lovers! In 36 hours I’m hopping on a plane and heading to the Left Coast to spend nine glorious days experiencing the magic and splendor of Los Angeles and Disneyland.

Of COURSE I’m going to Disneyland. Had you any doubt?

I’m using the Half Marathon as my excuse though, even though we all know I never need an actual excuse to visit a Disney Theme Park.

I’ll consider posting a blog entry or two while I’m there, but chances are I may be just too damn into the trip to take the time. But it’s possible.

As always, the best way to stay on top of my whereabouts and happenings is on my Twitter, so if you’re not following me yet, you’re missing all the fun. @nickynax

I’ll miss you all while I’m gone, and see your bright and shining faces upon my return after Labor Day.

Until then, I’m getting into the LA vibe and I’ll have my people call your people.

This morning, I woke up in a completely different decade than I was in last night.

This morning, I woke up thirty.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that.

It seems that everyone who came before me has expressed how miserable they were when they turned 30. So, naturally I was expecting to wake up this morning feeling miserable as well; as if I was on Death’s door and needing to make sure all of my affairs were in order before my imminent death.

But I didn’t feel like that.

In the gay community, it seems as if turning 30 isn’t just considered getting older, but completely expiring and becoming a complete waste of time to all the “young” and “worthwhile” gays. You’re just tossed aside like that yogurt you found in the back of the refrigerator that has long expired.

But I don’t feel obsolete.

I don’t really know how to express in words what it is that I’m feeling, but it’s neither of those things.

I guess I’ve never really felt like a part of the “norm.” In junior high and high school I didn’t feel like I belonged. I was the gay kid pretending not to be gay even though everyone else (except my mother, somehow) knew. In college I was never the kind to go out to bars and clubs and drink or do drugs like everyone else was doing. And now in adulthood, that trend continues and I often feel as if I’m doing that proverbial march to my own drummer and not falling in step with what everyone else is saying, doing, feeling, etc.

I don’t feel old. I still feel like a 12-year-old at heart. And I don’t see that leaving me any time soon. I’ve long subscribed to the philosophy that we don’t stop playing because we get old; we get old because we stop playing. I’m never going to stop playing. It would be dishonest to whom I am.

I don’t feel feeble or weak. In fact, just the opposite. I feel as if I am in the best shape of my life. I’m at the gym or out running at least five days a week. Sometimes six. My diet is still improving as time goes on, and after four years my commitment to Veganism is deeper and stronger every day. Somehow, I’ve found a love – no, a tolerance – for running. I think the reason I’m starting to tolerate the running more than I was before is that I’ve discovered it’s a great way to be alone for a little bit and focus on myself. Both physically and emotionally. While I run, I find I get inside my head and as an introvert, that’s where I often feel the most comfortable.

I don’t feel like I’m obsolete to the gay community. In fact, I’m starting to feel as if I’m just now finally ready for the gay community. I learned a lot from my relationship with Kevin. And the past year and a half since that relationship ended has allowed me plenty of time to work through any issues that came along with that experience and to make sense of what happened. What went right. What went wrong. And what needs to happen in the future to be a part of a successful and emotionally fulfilling relationship with another person.

I’m still terrified as hell when it comes to dating. But even with age some things will never change.

This pep talk of a blog isn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. It’s at milestone birthdays like this that it’s only natural to reflect and take stock of your life. And I’m no different.

I think back to when I was in high school and we had to write a paper about what our lives would be like in five years. In ten years. And while I don’t remember exactly what Future Nick was doing according to those papers, I do know that it was all a lot different than what Present Day Nick is currently doing. Present Day Nick is, to put it nicely, a huge downgrade from what Future Nick was supposed to be. Future Nick had a job he could only dream of, recognition that very few receive in life, and more success and happiness than any one person really deserves.

Present Day Nick has a job he likes with coworkers he likes, but it’s nothing like what he ever would have imagined he would be doing. Present Day Nick sometimes feels as if the only recognition he gets is a bit of eye contact from his cat after he brushes her. Present Day Nick often feels very unsuccessful and sometimes as if happiness is just out of grasp.

But I guess we all feel like that sometimes, don’t we.

I guess I’m not so different from everyone else after all.

Ever since I moved to New York, there’s been a Sondheim lyric that’s seems to put into words the way I’ve felt. It’s from Into the Woods and it goes “This is ridiculous. What am I doing here? I’m in the wrong story.”

I think it perfectly describes my feelings. Especially when you take into consideration that story I wrote so long ago about Future Nick and how somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn or two and I’ve ended up in a completely different story.

All I can do as I enter this new decade of my life is to continue writing this story that I’ve written thus far, and work on writing a plot that gets me as close as possible to something resembling that original draft I wrote in high school. I will never get it to match exactly, and it would be foolish to even try. All I can do is work toward the same final chapter. The chapter where Nick is happy with his life. He has a job he loves, financial stability, health, well traveled, friends he cares deeply for who care just as deeply for him, and someone with whom to share that life.

I’m confident I’ll get there. Life is a work in progress with no hard and fast rules as to when certain things have to be achieved by. Just like when I run marathons, I spend most of the race watching a lot of people pass me. I trudge on at my own pace. Step by step. And even when it hurts and I want to stop I just remind myself that each step I take gets me one step closer to the goal. And it doesn’t matter if I come in first or last place. We all get the same medal.

So, today, I welcome this new decade as an opportunity to begin writing the next chapter of my story. While I may not be where I thought I would be, I’ve still got plenty of things in my life about which to be happy. And while I may not be where my peers are, I’ve learned that the race is only with myself.

Plus, I’m 30, and I can still put both of my feet behind my head. I’d say that makes me a winner!

I’m sitting in Panera in Queens right now for the sole purpose of basking in the cool divinity of their air conditioning on this disgustingly hot day because I’m broke and I don’t want to have mine on any more than necessary. I have to eventually pay for mine. I don’t have to pay for Panera’s.

And it’s really not even that hot out. It’s in the high 80’s right now. That would send most normal people running from their homes to the parks and beaches to enjoy the weather. But not me. For some reason, hot weather (or in this case, warmish hot weather) and I do not mix. I just can’t tolerate it well. I get cranky and obnoxious. And I sweat. A lot. And it’s gross. And then I just get crankier and crankier.

So, I tend to hate summer.

I sometimes play a game this time of year in which I figure out all the places I can go that are air conditioned but won’t require me to spend copious amounts of money in order to be there. Today, Panera won. So, I’ve been sitting here for about an hour and a half nursing a lemonade and a bottle of water as slowly as humanly possible.

There’s something about being here with my laptop that makes me feel like I should be doing more than just killing time on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter. Whenever I see someone else in a coffee shop with their computer, I always envision them writing a paper, or a novel, or something else respectable. I never imagine that their trying to come up with a brilliant tweet or sassy comment to post on someone’s profile.

So, I peer pressured myself into doing something a bit more productive and settled on writing a blog entry. I already wrote tomorrow’s “If…” entry, but felt I should do a non-If entry as well, because, well, I haven’t done many of those in awhile.

I don’t really have much going on in my life lately though, to be quite honest. I’ve discovered that I’m kinda going through a period of “the blahs.” I don’t want to call it depression, because that’s far more serious that what I think I have.

I think I can trace my “non-depression depression” back to my finances. And I know I’m not alone in that boat, but sometimes I feel like I’m the only one and trying to paddle against a current that is quickly pushing me downstream.

I recently had something happen at work that is both a great thing and a horrible thing all at the same time. It seems like one of those instance where the Lord gaveth and tooketh away at the exact same time. For the past seven years (I can’t believe I’ve been at the same job for seven years) I’ve been working far more than 40 hours a week. There were points when I was clocking in at 55 hours. And after seven years of this just being my standard schedule, I guess I took it for granted.

A couple weeks ago, I was told I would no longer be able to work the same amount of overtime to which I had grown accustomed. And by quite a bit.

The good news in this is that I will now have much more time off from work. Instead of my normal schedule of only have one day off each week, I will now have normal weekends more often. And that’s fantastic.

But…

That also means without the overtime, I’ve taken a huge pay cut. To the point where I’m now making over $400 less each month. Even before this pay cut, I was just barely making ends meet and living paycheck to paycheck. Just barely.

I’m seriously having mild panic attacks when I think about how I am going to afford to live now that I’ll be making substantially less money each month. I’ve already, in the past couple months, begun to carry a balance on my credit card for the first time in my life. Up until now, I’ve always paid it off in full each month. I’m scared I’m dancing on a slippery slope of debt and don’t want to get in over my head.

I’ve already begun making cutbacks on things to try to slow my descent into homelessness.

In two weeks I supposed to be flying to Seattle to meet up with my friend Brett who is currently performing on a cruise ship. I was going to be his guest for one week and get a free cruise to Alaska, which is a place I’ve wanted to visit for a long time now. But, unfortunately with this new development in my life, I can’t even afford a FREE cruise. The flight to Seattle was just too expensive to warrant doing something that isn’t a necessity of life right now.

That’s not to say I’m completely giving up any and all entertainment or travel. There are a few things coming up that are already paid for or were partially paid for that I have to stick with otherwise I’ve wasted the money I’ve already spent on them.

I keep trying to focus on those and not the financial situation right now to keep my spirits high.

In ten days, I’ll be seeing Lady Gaga at Madison Square Garden. I’m pretty excited about that. Not only do I love her music, but I haven’t been a concert (excluding Glee Live) since Erin and I went to see Rufus Wainwright about eight or nine years ago. And I’ve never been to a concert in a giant arena like MSG. Plus I got fantastic seats, so it should be a fun night.

As far as travel goes, at the end of August and beginning of September I am going to be heading out to California. The main reason for the trip is to visit Disneyland over Labor Day to run the half marathon there. This marks the fifth anniversary of it, and since I did the inaugural one back in 2006, I figured the fifth annual was a good time to go back and do it again. Plus, it will be a good training run for the upcoming Goofy Challenge in January.

How’s the training been going, you may ask? Yeah, probably better to just not ask.

Every year I say I’ll be more persistent and better at it, and every year I make a liar out of myself and live to regret it on race day.

In addition to Disneyland, I am trying to get together with Rodney and go out a few days early and just focus those days on seeing and experience Los Angeles. In my previous trips to Disneyland, I never left Anaheim, so this time I want to see some more of what Southern California and Los Angeles have to offer the tourist in me.

And these trips will be easier to schedule now that I will have a more open schedule and less overtime. That’s the ironic part of it. I will have so much more free time, but no money with which to actually do anything other than sit in my living room watching tv all day.

Or running to Panera to sip on a bottle of water and steal their air conditioning and wifi.

I keep telling myself that things will get better and things will work out. That they always do. That God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.

I try to use The Secret to attract the things I want/need to me, but I’m not quite sure I actually believe that stuff works yet, which is probably why that stuff hasn’t worked yet.

I can say “My income is growing more and more by the day” and “I am a money magnet” as much as I want, but when each passing day proves that the opposite seems to be true, it becomes much more difficult to believe anything of this stuff actually works.

I may be down right now, but I’m certainly not out.

it’s time likes this when some lyrics I never paid attention to before suddenly resonate with me and remind me of what’s truly important in life.

“Poverty stole your golden shoes. It didn’t steal your laughter” -Jewel

“Got my dreams. Got my life. Got my love. Got my friends. Got the sunshine above. Why am I making this hard on myself when there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?” -Natasha Bedingfield

And it’s true. There are so many things to be happy about in life that really do matter a lot more than all of this crap. And as long as I can keep those close to me, I’ll be a very rich man.

I was right. Not having a computer has meant that I’ve resorted to cleaning my apartment to pass the time. The humanity.

While cleaning up a shelf in my bedroom that somehow turned into a black hole of papers, I came across a letter I had written to Kevin as we were going our separate ways and then never actually given to him.

And I realized that it was one year ago today when Kevin told me he wanted to end our relationship and I entered into the land of Singleville again. At the time I thought my life was over (what a difference a year makes). And while I don’t necessarily like living in the past, even though it’s a place in which I am quite used to living, sometimes it’s good to use anniversaries of life events as an opportunity to reflect, take personal stock, and move forward.

So, I am going to do just that. I’ve now had a year to get reacquainted with myself, and this year of being single again has allowed me the time to actually get to know myself as an adult instead of as the still slightly naive and idealistic mid-twenty year old I was before Kevin entered my life.

I did some growing up due to my experiences with him, and that’s a good thing. And now that I’ve come through the other side of it a better, wiser person and given myself this time to get to know this new version of me, I think that makes me better equipped to meet and start a relationship with someone new and not be doomed to repeat and relive previous problems.

So what exactly have I learned?

For starters, I’ve learned that I am, in fact, capable of loving someone and allowing them into my life. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was extremely difficult and at times I wanted to run away and close myself off to avoid it altogether. But I didn’t. I stayed. I opened up beyond my comfort zone, allowed someone to get to know me on a deeper level than I ever had before, and while it wasn’t always roses and candy, it was so deeply fulfilling to know that I had been able to do that and share that sort of relationship with someone. And now that I’ve done it once, I know that it can be done. And that will make getting to that point with someone in the future just a little bit easier.

I’ve learned that I can, in fact, live with someone beyond just a roommate arrangement. I’ve always been a little territorial when it comes to my things. Maybe that comes from growing up with no siblings near me in age and never really having to share my belongings growing up, but whatever the reason it was always something about which I held some reservations. I just never had a good feeling in stomach if someone else was in my stuff or in my space. It worked out for the most part when I had roommates because we had our own separate bedrooms and sanctuaries to retire to, but living with your significant other doesn’t afford you that benefit. And I was really scared when Kevin suggested we live together. But, I put my faith in knowing that it was the right thing to do, and it ended up being a non-issue completely. I find that nowadays I actually look forward to the day when I am at that point with a future partner that we decide to live together and make a home. I miss it.

I’ve also learned that as much as I may want to, I can’t change somebody else. They be completely perfect except for one thing, but no matter how much I ignore that one thing, make excuses for that one thing, or try to change that one thing, it won’t go away by any means of mine. It will actually become a giant thorn in my paw and be one of the main factors that lead to the relationship ending. I think this has made me more aware of red flags with new guys I meet and I’m more willing to move on instead of ignoring the issues or trying to fix them. The right one is out there. I don’t need to create him out of someone who isn’t quite right.

I’ve also learned that I deserve more than I was originally accepting as enough. It someone is going to be in a relationship with me, they need to be giving me the same thing emotionally that I am giving them. Love is a two-way street, and I am not going to be the only person driving on it next time. And if someone can’t be as invested as they should be, then I’m not going to wait around waiting for things to get better on their own like last time.

I also learned that I can not allow myself to get to the point where I lose grasp of who I am. When Kevin left and moved out, I had trouble even figuring out who I was anymore. I had begun to define myself as being part of an “us” that I was no longer a “me” anymore. And once he was gone I was only able to see who I wasn’t. And it took me awhile to figure out who “I” was again. I can’t allow myself to lose my own identity. Someone is going to fall in love with me for who I am, and if I lose who I am, then that takes the relationship down a completely different path. I have to maintain who I am and bring that to a relationship to complement who he is. Two individuals making one complete pair. Not two people who have melded into the same hybrid unit.

I’ve learned that communication really is the key. Problems don’t fix themselves. People fix problems. And people can’t fix those problems with open and clear communication. I wad always so afraid of causing an argument or upsetting Kevin that I never went to him with my problems. And those problems, in turn, never got fixed. And look where that ended up.

Most importantly, I’ve learned that I deserve better. And I’m going to get it.

Those are just a few of the life lessons I’ve picked up now that I’ve had a year to cope, heal and reflect on the previous year. And I’m a firm believer in that if you are able to learn anything at all, then even the worst of experiences isn’t all bad.

I now know what it feels like to give a child up for adoption.

Ok, that’s a bit dramatic, but I experienced a great loss yesterday.

My beloved MacBook Pro fell severely ill. And no amount of mouth to mouth could bring him back.

After a visit to the Genius Bar, I was informed I would have to part with him for five to seven business days, which for me is as tragic as making a heroin addict go cold turkey.

To add to my misery, the genius told me I also might lose all of my files. All of them. All seven thousand photos. All six thousand songs. All of my videos. All of my porn! Tragedy!

I had never bothered backing up my system, because “I’m never going to have a problem where I would need to.”

Excuse me, waiter, but do you have some ketchup I can put on my words before I eat them?

Needless to say, I’m currently mortified that I will be without my computer and potentially lose everything that was on it.

And also a bit mortified that whomever works on my computer to fix it will undoubtedly get a gander at some pictures that were meant for my eyes only.

Whoops!

Leaving the Genius Bar while it stayed behind felt like what I imagine a parent feels as their child leaves home for college.

The only potentially good thing that can come out of this experience is that I may actually find the time to clean my apartment.

I have this weekend off from work (that’s two in a row!) and decided to celebrate.

So, at the last minute (I decided a couple of hours ago), I made the decision to spend the weekend in Philadelphia! My friend Danny lives there and I haven’t seen him, or the city, in four years now, so I’m overdue for a visit.

I feel like 2010 is turning into the year of travel. First Orlando, then a ski trip to Vermont, and now Philadelphia all within the first five weeks of the year. That kind of travel is unprecedented for me!

I’m not complaining though. I always claim I want to travel more. It’s about time I walk the walk, no?

So, tomorrow after work, I’m hopping aboard the Megabus and heading off to Philly. And I’m not coming back until I’ve found me some of that Brotherly Love.

Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

No, wait. Yes it does.

From the classic American Broadway musical 42nd Street:

I’m grabbin my hat and coat. I’m leavin the cat a note. Quick, call me a ferry boat! Gettin out of town!

From me:

Ditto!

Bags are packed (mostly with cords and chargers, because in this day and age we can’t seem to go ten minutes without our beloved electronics) and in a few short hours I will be trekking out to the airport to catch the first flight of the day (tomorrow morning) down to Orlando.

Double duty on this trip. Sure, a trip to a Disney theme park is always reason enough for a vacation in my book, but since it’s January, it means it’s also time for another marathon. This Sunday I will once again be attempting those nasty 26.2 miles that I have so poorly trained for.

I sound like a broken record every January. Yeah, I know.

I’ll be gone a week, but if any pictures or events are absolutely mind-blowing, or I get a wild hair, I’ll share some stuff here while I’m gone. Best bet for following the fun is by following me on twitter. But then again, that’s always fun.

Water the plants while I’m gone.

I don’t really have much to say at the moment.

No, that’s not true. I have things to say, but nothing blogworthy. And that seems to be my eternal problem. I never know what I write about here, but I think that’s mostly because I haven’t yet figured out WHAT this blog actually is.

I see blogs of other people and they have posts that are nothing more than a YouTube video of a music video that they like. Or a picture from a night out. Or other completely pointless things that don’t really match what this blog should be in my head.

And then I see other people who seem to be able to wax poetically on a daily basis about anything and everything. And, well, as depressing as it is to admit, I’m just not that eloquent or thoughtful.

Then there are those people who comment on pop culture/current events, and that just doesn’t seem to fit me as well. I prefer to keep the news/events out of my blog so that my entries tend to be more timeless and less specific to a certain time and place. Maybe that’s the wrong way for me to approach it, but it’s a hurdle I haven’t yet gotten over.

And then there are those other blogs accompany the author’s business. Like my friend Michael. He’s a life coach and his blog, while not always, is generally related to and is an extension of that career. I don’t really have a job or business venture for which I can make this a companion blog. I’d love to, but I don’t. And I can’t really use it as a companion to my actual day job, because I always think it’s dangerous to talk about your job in places like this. Call me paranoid, but I’ve seen plenty of stories about people getting fired due to things like Facebook and blogs and Twitter. I just don’t even want to risk it.

I can’t forget to mention those blogs out there that talk about literally every single aspect of the author’s life, regardless of how personal or private. And as salacious and fun as those might be to read, not only would i be very uncomfortable writing about my personal life in such detail, but well, my life just isn’t that exciting.

There are a few other various types out there, but I just can’t seem to find the right fit for me.

Hence the reason this blog barely exists.

So, why am I writing something now? A feeling of obligation, mostly. It’s the final day of 2009, so it just feels like I should be posting something.

Back for my first blog (which I had from before they were even called blogs and kept from 1998 through 2005), I used to end each year with a special entry in which I would list my New Years Resolutions and take a look back at the previous year’s resolutions to see how well I had done with them. It never really went well, because I’ve never really been a resolution sort of guy. I would make them mostly because I felt like I should be making resolutions and so I could keep up with my yearly resolution tradition on the old blog. And with no thought or real intention behind them, I never kept up with them, so there was no real point in continuing with it anymore, or continuing with it now. So, I won’t.

That’s not to say that I don’t have a resolution this year, because for once I actually do. I’m going to be turning 30 in 2010, and I’m cool with that (I say that now), but things happen as we age and it’s always best to be proactive about these sorts of things. So, my resolution is related to taking better care of myself.

I’m intending, in 2010, to start taking better care of my skin. It’s always been troublesome for me throughout my entire life. Really bad acne through puberty and late teens. Even into my early 20’s some. It’s still not great, but far better than what it used to be as a kid. And you’d think that having gone through the horrible skin phase of my life that I would be far more aware and diligent about taking better care of it, but I’ve just never really gotten into a good routine and pattern of it. And it’s just going to get worse as I get older, so before I get to the point where it’s completely hopeless (too late?), I’m going to try to take a more active approach to staying this gorgeous.

Ha!

2010 is the year of moisturizer.

Especially since I just upgraded to an HD camcorder.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I honestly can’t remember, without cheating and looking, when I last wrote something here that didn’t begin with the word “if.” I’ve written nothing of substance in months. And for that, an apology is due. But not to you. Because, and I don’t want this to sound rude, I’ve come to learn that I don’t owe anything to you. Over the past handful of months, I’ve come to learn that the person I need to be focusing on and taking care of is myself. I owe it to myself to let what I am feeling out, because the longer I hold on to it, the heavier it gets and the harder it is to move forward.

I was replying to an email tonight from a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in several months. We hadn’t really lost contact, but considering we used to work together and see each other almost daily, the current gap between our correspondence might as well be considered at that level.

His email to me read like a catch-all newsletter that people include in their Christmas cards, which was probably for the best since I hadn’t really seen or spoken to him since before the holidays and all of the information he told me was news to me.

Anyway, I was replying tonight (over a month after he emailed me originally, because I don’t tend to be the most punctual when it comes to emails of substance) and before I knew it, I had somehow unloaded my own Christmas card newsletter upon his inbox. It was when I started the final paragraph of the email with Anyway, enough of me using this email as a blog entry… that I realized that I had just told him so much of what I had been holding inside and not writing about here. And that’s the whole point of having a blog. To get your feelings out.

After wrestling around with the idea for a bit, I decided that there really was no reason why the things I had said to him couldn’t be a blog entry. It was easier to tell him what I was going through and feeling than it would have been to tell all of you faceless site hits, so I was more open and free with what I said. That’s always something I’ve had trouble with here. Writing as if you were a friend. I’ve edited and censored myself a lot since day one here, and hopefully by copying and pasting (with minor modifications to clarify things or omit things that would be potentially damaging to aspects of my life) this will be a much more open and honest entry than I’ve ever really posted before.

And if not, then I least I finally wrote something that didn’t start with the word “if.”

Just warning you, it’s a bit of a pity party. But we all need to throw ourselves one every now and then…

Oh look, it’s me. Being a complete failure and returning an email over a month late. Pay attention, kids. This is a lesson in punctuality.

Life is exactly the same as it has been for awhile now. A lot of crap. A little enjoyment from time to time. But overall, mostly just a lot of apathy and going through the paces just waiting for something to change. At this point, I’m not sure I even care what that change is, be it good or bad. While good would definitely be preferred, sometimes I think either would be welcomed.

Not sure how long it’s been since I’ve given you an update on my relationship status, but it hasn’t been as positive as yours. In February my relationship ended. The biggest problem we faced was that our schedules were completely opposite of each other. I worked days; him nights. We only actually saw each other about twelve hours a week, and without having time to share and be with each other, connections can fade, and ours had. I knew it wasn’t a perfect relationship and we had problems, but I was confident that we were on a path to going somewhere good and as long as we just muddled through and made it beyond the temporary rough patch, we would come out the other side better than we ever had been up to that point.

I guess his choosing to spend Valentine’s Day with some friend of his in Pittsburgh instead of with me should have been a clue that the end was near, but love is blind. I saw what I wanted to see and ignored the things I didn’t, so regardless of all the problems I knew we had, it still knocked the wind out of me when he told me he was ending the relationship.

It was a multitude of emotions, really, but the most prevalent was I was instantly overcome with embarrassment and a sense of stupidity. I felt like damn fool.

There was a period of time toward the end of the relationship where it looked as if he was about to get a dream job of his that would require him to relocate. And, I spent weeks wrestling with it in my soul and had decided that should he get that job, I would give up my life here in the city and the past ten years of roots that I had made and move with him. And that was the most terrifying decision I have made in my adult life. But I had made it, and made peace with it, because I loved him and I knew that it didn’t matter where I lived. As long as I was with him, it would be home.

And then I get blindsided with this breakup and find out that had he gotten that job, he was never going to even ask me to go with him. It was going to be an excuse for him to leave me without having to man up and say that he just simply wanted out anyway.

I felt so incredibly stupid. Humiliated.

Not only did his ending the relationship leave me emotionally bankrupt, but it’s also threatened to leave me financially bankrupt as well. As you know, we were living together, so when he left, my cost of living literally doubled. My rent doubled. My bills doubled. Everything doubled. And I was barely making ends meet while he was living here. And with the economy being the way it has been, I haven’t been making as much money as I once was. Then my Invisalign treatment got extended by a year. My teeth have made amazing (even I can’t believe it, and I’ve witnessed it happening) strides , but the procedure did need to be extended. And that added another thousand dollar dent in my wallet. And then last month my landlord informed me that he was raising my rent. So, things are tight right now, and unfortunately, I find myself blaming him for my extreme penny pinching and being near destitute. And I hate that I blame him for it, because I know in my heart that everybody needs to do what is best for them. And if leaving was what he honestly thought was best for him, then I can not fault him for that or hate him for that. And I don’t. It just sucks that it’s caused me such financial hardships in addition to the emotional ones, because every time I write a check now or pay a bill, I find I mutter a “Fuck you” in my head and hope that he can telepathically hear it.

I’m hopeful and confident that things will turn around and I’ll land on my feet. Hopefully soon. But, if not, I’ll muddle through as long as I can. I’m still waiting for that one bolt of creative lighting to strike me and I get that one idea that will change my life for the better. Perhaps I should start standing outside during thunderstorms to help expedite that process.

Just a few days ago I finally removed the framed pictures of him and me together and have replaced with them various other pictures. I feel like that was a nice symbolic step and marked the beginning of me finally starting to release whatever has been holding me back. I’m starting to allow myself to flirt with the idea of meeting people. I’d forgotten how much I hate the game of dating. I feel like I am trying to force romantic feelings and sparks when I meet someone because I’m so impatient and want to get back to that emotional level I was at, but obviously that’s not going to work. It has to come organically or it won’t ever be an honest and successful relationship. I’m just so damned impatient, and I always have been that way.

I hate the idea of having to learn someone’s favorite color again. Or learn what their childhood pet’s name was. Or what their sister does for a living. I already did all of this work. I don’t want to have to start at square one all over again. I know I have to, but it so hard to start. I know I can’t reach the finish line of a marathon until after I take that first stride, but when you’re standing at the starting line and you have 26.2 miles of uncertainty staring you in the face, it’s so hard to take that first step.

Anyway. Enough of me using this email as a blog entry. We should get some dinner or something sometime. Next time I promise to write back sooner. I’m using my old age as an excuse for forgetting to promptly reply this time. I can’t believe I’m 29 now. I still feel like a 12-year-old.

And there you have it. These are the anvils that have been weighing me down over the past seven months. I’m not entirely free of them yet, and it’s quite possible that there will always be trace remnants to be found. I guess it’s impossible to let someone that deeply into your life without also allowing them to leave a permanent mark. I’m reminded of some lyrics from Spring Awakening right now.

Oh, I’m gonna be wounded / Oh, I’m gonna be your wound / Oh, I’m gonna bruise you / Oh, you’re gonna be my bruise.