Thirty

This morning, I woke up in a completely different decade than I was in last night.

This morning, I woke up thirty.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that.

It seems that everyone who came before me has expressed how miserable they were when they turned 30. So, naturally I was expecting to wake up this morning feeling miserable as well; as if I was on Death’s door and needing to make sure all of my affairs were in order before my imminent death.

But I didn’t feel like that.

In the gay community, it seems as if turning 30 isn’t just considered getting older, but completely expiring and becoming a complete waste of time to all the “young” and “worthwhile” gays. You’re just tossed aside like that yogurt you found in the back of the refrigerator that has long expired.

But I don’t feel obsolete.

I don’t really know how to express in words what it is that I’m feeling, but it’s neither of those things.

I guess I’ve never really felt like a part of the “norm.” In junior high and high school I didn’t feel like I belonged. I was the gay kid pretending not to be gay even though everyone else (except my mother, somehow) knew. In college I was never the kind to go out to bars and clubs and drink or do drugs like everyone else was doing. And now in adulthood, that trend continues and I often feel as if I’m doing that proverbial march to my own drummer and not falling in step with what everyone else is saying, doing, feeling, etc.

I don’t feel old. I still feel like a 12-year-old at heart. And I don’t see that leaving me any time soon. I’ve long subscribed to the philosophy that we don’t stop playing because we get old; we get old because we stop playing. I’m never going to stop playing. It would be dishonest to whom I am.

I don’t feel feeble or weak. In fact, just the opposite. I feel as if I am in the best shape of my life. I’m at the gym or out running at least five days a week. Sometimes six. My diet is still improving as time goes on, and after four years my commitment to Veganism is deeper and stronger every day. Somehow, I’ve found a love – no, a tolerance – for running. I think the reason I’m starting to tolerate the running more than I was before is that I’ve discovered it’s a great way to be alone for a little bit and focus on myself. Both physically and emotionally. While I run, I find I get inside my head and as an introvert, that’s where I often feel the most comfortable.

I don’t feel like I’m obsolete to the gay community. In fact, I’m starting to feel as if I’m just now finally ready for the gay community. I learned a lot from my relationship with Kevin. And the past year and a half since that relationship ended has allowed me plenty of time to work through any issues that came along with that experience and to make sense of what happened. What went right. What went wrong. And what needs to happen in the future to be a part of a successful and emotionally fulfilling relationship with another person.

I’m still terrified as hell when it comes to dating. But even with age some things will never change.

This pep talk of a blog isn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. It’s at milestone birthdays like this that it’s only natural to reflect and take stock of your life. And I’m no different.

I think back to when I was in high school and we had to write a paper about what our lives would be like in five years. In ten years. And while I don’t remember exactly what Future Nick was doing according to those papers, I do know that it was all a lot different than what Present Day Nick is currently doing. Present Day Nick is, to put it nicely, a huge downgrade from what Future Nick was supposed to be. Future Nick had a job he could only dream of, recognition that very few receive in life, and more success and happiness than any one person really deserves.

Present Day Nick has a job he likes with coworkers he likes, but it’s nothing like what he ever would have imagined he would be doing. Present Day Nick sometimes feels as if the only recognition he gets is a bit of eye contact from his cat after he brushes her. Present Day Nick often feels very unsuccessful and sometimes as if happiness is just out of grasp.

But I guess we all feel like that sometimes, don’t we.

I guess I’m not so different from everyone else after all.

Ever since I moved to New York, there’s been a Sondheim lyric that’s seems to put into words the way I’ve felt. It’s from Into the Woods and it goes “This is ridiculous. What am I doing here? I’m in the wrong story.”

I think it perfectly describes my feelings. Especially when you take into consideration that story I wrote so long ago about Future Nick and how somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn or two and I’ve ended up in a completely different story.

All I can do as I enter this new decade of my life is to continue writing this story that I’ve written thus far, and work on writing a plot that gets me as close as possible to something resembling that original draft I wrote in high school. I will never get it to match exactly, and it would be foolish to even try. All I can do is work toward the same final chapter. The chapter where Nick is happy with his life. He has a job he loves, financial stability, health, well traveled, friends he cares deeply for who care just as deeply for him, and someone with whom to share that life.

I’m confident I’ll get there. Life is a work in progress with no hard and fast rules as to when certain things have to be achieved by. Just like when I run marathons, I spend most of the race watching a lot of people pass me. I trudge on at my own pace. Step by step. And even when it hurts and I want to stop I just remind myself that each step I take gets me one step closer to the goal. And it doesn’t matter if I come in first or last place. We all get the same medal.

So, today, I welcome this new decade as an opportunity to begin writing the next chapter of my story. While I may not be where I thought I would be, I’ve still got plenty of things in my life about which to be happy. And while I may not be where my peers are, I’ve learned that the race is only with myself.

Plus, I’m 30, and I can still put both of my feet behind my head. I’d say that makes me a winner!