I was right. Not having a computer has meant that I’ve resorted to cleaning my apartment to pass the time. The humanity.
While cleaning up a shelf in my bedroom that somehow turned into a black hole of papers, I came across a letter I had written to Kevin as we were going our separate ways and then never actually given to him.
And I realized that it was one year ago today when Kevin told me he wanted to end our relationship and I entered into the land of Singleville again. At the time I thought my life was over (what a difference a year makes). And while I don’t necessarily like living in the past, even though it’s a place in which I am quite used to living, sometimes it’s good to use anniversaries of life events as an opportunity to reflect, take personal stock, and move forward.
So, I am going to do just that. I’ve now had a year to get reacquainted with myself, and this year of being single again has allowed me the time to actually get to know myself as an adult instead of as the still slightly naive and idealistic mid-twenty year old I was before Kevin entered my life.
I did some growing up due to my experiences with him, and that’s a good thing. And now that I’ve come through the other side of it a better, wiser person and given myself this time to get to know this new version of me, I think that makes me better equipped to meet and start a relationship with someone new and not be doomed to repeat and relive previous problems.
So what exactly have I learned?
For starters, I’ve learned that I am, in fact, capable of loving someone and allowing them into my life. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was extremely difficult and at times I wanted to run away and close myself off to avoid it altogether. But I didn’t. I stayed. I opened up beyond my comfort zone, allowed someone to get to know me on a deeper level than I ever had before, and while it wasn’t always roses and candy, it was so deeply fulfilling to know that I had been able to do that and share that sort of relationship with someone. And now that I’ve done it once, I know that it can be done. And that will make getting to that point with someone in the future just a little bit easier.
I’ve learned that I can, in fact, live with someone beyond just a roommate arrangement. I’ve always been a little territorial when it comes to my things. Maybe that comes from growing up with no siblings near me in age and never really having to share my belongings growing up, but whatever the reason it was always something about which I held some reservations. I just never had a good feeling in stomach if someone else was in my stuff or in my space. It worked out for the most part when I had roommates because we had our own separate bedrooms and sanctuaries to retire to, but living with your significant other doesn’t afford you that benefit. And I was really scared when Kevin suggested we live together. But, I put my faith in knowing that it was the right thing to do, and it ended up being a non-issue completely. I find that nowadays I actually look forward to the day when I am at that point with a future partner that we decide to live together and make a home. I miss it.
I’ve also learned that as much as I may want to, I can’t change somebody else. They be completely perfect except for one thing, but no matter how much I ignore that one thing, make excuses for that one thing, or try to change that one thing, it won’t go away by any means of mine. It will actually become a giant thorn in my paw and be one of the main factors that lead to the relationship ending. I think this has made me more aware of red flags with new guys I meet and I’m more willing to move on instead of ignoring the issues or trying to fix them. The right one is out there. I don’t need to create him out of someone who isn’t quite right.
I’ve also learned that I deserve more than I was originally accepting as enough. It someone is going to be in a relationship with me, they need to be giving me the same thing emotionally that I am giving them. Love is a two-way street, and I am not going to be the only person driving on it next time. And if someone can’t be as invested as they should be, then I’m not going to wait around waiting for things to get better on their own like last time.
I also learned that I can not allow myself to get to the point where I lose grasp of who I am. When Kevin left and moved out, I had trouble even figuring out who I was anymore. I had begun to define myself as being part of an “us” that I was no longer a “me” anymore. And once he was gone I was only able to see who I wasn’t. And it took me awhile to figure out who “I” was again. I can’t allow myself to lose my own identity. Someone is going to fall in love with me for who I am, and if I lose who I am, then that takes the relationship down a completely different path. I have to maintain who I am and bring that to a relationship to complement who he is. Two individuals making one complete pair. Not two people who have melded into the same hybrid unit.
I’ve learned that communication really is the key. Problems don’t fix themselves. People fix problems. And people can’t fix those problems with open and clear communication. I wad always so afraid of causing an argument or upsetting Kevin that I never went to him with my problems. And those problems, in turn, never got fixed. And look where that ended up.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that I deserve better. And I’m going to get it.
Those are just a few of the life lessons I’ve picked up now that I’ve had a year to cope, heal and reflect on the previous year. And I’m a firm believer in that if you are able to learn anything at all, then even the worst of experiences isn’t all bad.