The List

The past two months haven’t been all that great for me. In fact, if you’ll allow me to be a bit dramatic, I’ll go so far as to say that I’ve been going through some of my lowest moments recently.

I realize that for most people, the low points become the most interesting and active on their blogs. But for me, I tend to deal with issues by withdrawing inwards away from people, thus resulting in virtually no blog posts aside from the weekly “If…” entries.

I apologize (to all four of you who actually read this) for not sharing the “real” parts of my life lately, but honestly, I didn’t share much with even my closest friends. In fact, there’s only one or two people with whom I spoke openly and honestly with about what has happened. Even my coworkers whom I see everyday (and consider to be more friends than they are coworkers) have no idea I was as affected as deeply as I really was. I put on a facade and pretended to be fine, when inside I was a mess.

I guess that’s just way I cope. It seems counter-productive though, considering that what I really wanted and needed more than anything was someone to just hold me and let me cry. Try getting someone to offer to be that person when you appear to be completely fine though.

My lack of blog entries doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing things. I just haven’t been publishing them. I guess I felt if I published them, then it was accepting them as being truth, and I wasn’t completely beyond the denial stages yet. Also, once they were out there, it would open up the lines of communication for people who wanted to talk about it, and I wasn’t ready to have those conversations yet. At least not honest ones. I was still too busy having the conversations where I pretended I was fine.

It’s been about two months now though, and I feel like I’m ready to finally open up about things. The following is something I wrote about a month or so ago, and I feel it adequately reflects where I was mentally at that point. I’m not even sure why I wrote it at the time, but I sat at the computer, opened up a blank page, and just started typing, and this is what came out. And, truth be told, it did manage to help in some small way. I can’t quite put my finger on why or how, but all I know is that once I finished it, I was a bit more at peace than I was before I had written it.

The Ten Things That Will Be Better Once You’re Gone

1. I will be able to sleep on my normal side of the bed again.
2. I will be able to listen to music while I get ready in the mornings like I always used to without having to worry about waking you up.
3. I will do laundry less often since you used to wear my socks and underwear all the time even though you had four times as many clothes as I do.
4. I will have to buy toilet paper much less often.
5. I will no longer have meat, dairy, and other disgusting non-vegan foods in my refrigerator.
6. I will never have to watch another episode of Law & Order: SVU
7. I won’t be woken up in the middle of the night every time you come home from work anymore.
8. The cable company will no longer think I’m a pervert now that you won’t be renting cable porn on my account anymore.
9. I won’t get sprayed with cold water first thing in the morning anymore since you would always leave the shower head turned on instead of switching it back to tub.
10. I won’t have to be paranoid about the landlord finding mail addressed to you since I was never technically allowed to have you living with me in the first place.

The One Thing That Will Be Worse Once You’re Gone

1. My Life