One Night Only

I’ve been procrastinating on writing about this for a month now, because I couldn’t wrap my head around it enough to figure out how I even felt about it. And a month later, I still find myself at a loss. But, since it’s happening tomorrow, I have no choice but to write now, regardless of how jumbled it all still is in my mind. I find it hard to even put into words when I am talking to friends about it, so actually assigning words to it and putting it in writing is perhaps the most daunting task I’ve had in awhile.

I wrote awhile ago about Kevin. About how we were dating and how he had to leave due to his job, and in doing so, our relationship ended. Five months have now gone by, and while I’ve emotionally come to terms with it and moved on for the most part, I’m about to be back in the middle of it all over again.

Kevin has two weeks off from his job, and is able to come back from China during that time. He’ll be spending one night here in the city, then a few days at home with his family, and then down to Florida for a few days to spend with his friends there.

And I don’t know what to do or think about this.

Naturally I am thrilled that he will be here tomorrow and I will get to see him again. I haven’t seen him since he left five months ago, and I miss him more than I will even allow myself to admit. Yes, we’ve been able to keep in touch via the phone and Internet since then, but that’s not the same as being able to talk to someone in person. To hug them. To feel them hug you. And it feels like an eternity since I’ve had that.

So why can’t I seem to get excited?

It’s no secret that I was emotionally devastated when he left, and I’m just so scared to go through that again. It seems like a foolish thing to do to voluntarily put myself through that knowing how badly it hurt the first time around. Also, it just seems pointless to be apart for five months, and then only have one night together before leaving again for seven more months. It begs the question, "What’s the point?"

I basically have two choices with how to handle this situation.

I could decline the invitation to see him while he’s here or I can spend time with him.

The way I see it, either way I choose, I lose.

If I don’t see him, I won’t run the risk of becoming reattached and having to go our separate ways again. That option could save me some emotional trauma, which is a very good thing. But, in doing so, I rob myself of the chance to spend time with him. When it comes down to it, five short minutes is better than nothing at all.

Right?

So, obviously I have to see him. I have to spend time with him. I can’t pass up this opportunity. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t see him. It would be lying to myself to deny that desire to spend time with him, even if it is just for a few hours.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is just for one night and not to get too attached again. At least for the time being. Although anyone who knows me knows that I can get attached quite easily, which tends to be a recipe for disaster. But I’m hoping that since I’ve known about this for about a month now and have had some time to let it all marinate in my head, that I’ve been able to mentally prepare myself for it and can minimize any emotional stress.

Yeah, that’ll never happen.

It’s highly possible that I’m getting so worked up over nothing at all. And it’s also highly possible that once we see each other again tomorrow, that the connection we once had just won’t be there anymore. Afterall, it’s been five months. We’ve each had some time away from the other where we’ve been able to put our relationship into perspective, and once we actually see each other again, it could signal a realization that June marked the end for us. I’m sure that will be a tough thing to come to terms with, but I guess it’s best to figure that out now than hold onto a false dream for seven more months only to be disappointed even further down the road.

Tomorrow holds the potential to be an incredible day or a horrible one. And I’m scared to find out which it will be.

I have my fingers crossed that his visit will be the best Christmas present I’ve ever received.

Better than a Tickle Me Elmo, at least.