n i c k y n a x . c o m

That’s right, lovers! In 36 hours I’m hopping on a plane and heading to the Left Coast to spend nine glorious days experiencing the magic and splendor of Los Angeles and Disneyland.

Of COURSE I’m going to Disneyland. Had you any doubt?

I’m using the Half Marathon as my excuse though, even though we all know I never need an actual excuse to visit a Disney Theme Park.

I’ll consider posting a blog entry or two while I’m there, but chances are I may be just too damn into the trip to take the time. But it’s possible.

As always, the best way to stay on top of my whereabouts and happenings is on my Twitter, so if you’re not following me yet, you’re missing all the fun. @nickynax

I’ll miss you all while I’m gone, and see your bright and shining faces upon my return after Labor Day.

Until then, I’m getting into the LA vibe and I’ll have my people call your people.

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This is week 125 (THANK JEEBUS!) in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you could visit only one more place in the world that you have never been, where would you go for this final voyage?

I’ve never been to an Asian location, so that would be the most unlike any place I’ve previously been. So maybe China or Japan.

If you could have anyone locked in a room so that you could torment them for a day, who would you choose, and how would you torment them?

I’d pick a top Republican and I’d torment them by playing videos from gay weddings on a loop.

If you had to pick the most difficult question you could be asked, what would it be?

You’ve had 125 weeks and haven’t come up with it yet.

If you could have the answer to any question, what would you ask?

“Why did I spend 125 weeks doing this crap, and now that it’s done, what the hell am I going to blog about?!”

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

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This morning, I woke up in a completely different decade than I was in last night.

This morning, I woke up thirty.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that.

It seems that everyone who came before me has expressed how miserable they were when they turned 30. So, naturally I was expecting to wake up this morning feeling miserable as well; as if I was on Death’s door and needing to make sure all of my affairs were in order before my imminent death.

But I didn’t feel like that.

In the gay community, it seems as if turning 30 isn’t just considered getting older, but completely expiring and becoming a complete waste of time to all the “young” and “worthwhile” gays. You’re just tossed aside like that yogurt you found in the back of the refrigerator that has long expired.

But I don’t feel obsolete.

I don’t really know how to express in words what it is that I’m feeling, but it’s neither of those things.

I guess I’ve never really felt like a part of the “norm.” In junior high and high school I didn’t feel like I belonged. I was the gay kid pretending not to be gay even though everyone else (except my mother, somehow) knew. In college I was never the kind to go out to bars and clubs and drink or do drugs like everyone else was doing. And now in adulthood, that trend continues and I often feel as if I’m doing that proverbial march to my own drummer and not falling in step with what everyone else is saying, doing, feeling, etc.

I don’t feel old. I still feel like a 12-year-old at heart. And I don’t see that leaving me any time soon. I’ve long subscribed to the philosophy that we don’t stop playing because we get old; we get old because we stop playing. I’m never going to stop playing. It would be dishonest to whom I am.

I don’t feel feeble or weak. In fact, just the opposite. I feel as if I am in the best shape of my life. I’m at the gym or out running at least five days a week. Sometimes six. My diet is still improving as time goes on, and after four years my commitment to Veganism is deeper and stronger every day. Somehow, I’ve found a love – no, a tolerance – for running. I think the reason I’m starting to tolerate the running more than I was before is that I’ve discovered it’s a great way to be alone for a little bit and focus on myself. Both physically and emotionally. While I run, I find I get inside my head and as an introvert, that’s where I often feel the most comfortable.

I don’t feel like I’m obsolete to the gay community. In fact, I’m starting to feel as if I’m just now finally ready for the gay community. I learned a lot from my relationship with Kevin. And the past year and a half since that relationship ended has allowed me plenty of time to work through any issues that came along with that experience and to make sense of what happened. What went right. What went wrong. And what needs to happen in the future to be a part of a successful and emotionally fulfilling relationship with another person.

I’m still terrified as hell when it comes to dating. But even with age some things will never change.

This pep talk of a blog isn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. It’s at milestone birthdays like this that it’s only natural to reflect and take stock of your life. And I’m no different.

I think back to when I was in high school and we had to write a paper about what our lives would be like in five years. In ten years. And while I don’t remember exactly what Future Nick was doing according to those papers, I do know that it was all a lot different than what Present Day Nick is currently doing. Present Day Nick is, to put it nicely, a huge downgrade from what Future Nick was supposed to be. Future Nick had a job he could only dream of, recognition that very few receive in life, and more success and happiness than any one person really deserves.

Present Day Nick has a job he likes with coworkers he likes, but it’s nothing like what he ever would have imagined he would be doing. Present Day Nick sometimes feels as if the only recognition he gets is a bit of eye contact from his cat after he brushes her. Present Day Nick often feels very unsuccessful and sometimes as if happiness is just out of grasp.

But I guess we all feel like that sometimes, don’t we.

I guess I’m not so different from everyone else after all.

Ever since I moved to New York, there’s been a Sondheim lyric that’s seems to put into words the way I’ve felt. It’s from Into the Woods and it goes “This is ridiculous. What am I doing here? I’m in the wrong story.”

I think it perfectly describes my feelings. Especially when you take into consideration that story I wrote so long ago about Future Nick and how somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn or two and I’ve ended up in a completely different story.

All I can do as I enter this new decade of my life is to continue writing this story that I’ve written thus far, and work on writing a plot that gets me as close as possible to something resembling that original draft I wrote in high school. I will never get it to match exactly, and it would be foolish to even try. All I can do is work toward the same final chapter. The chapter where Nick is happy with his life. He has a job he loves, financial stability, health, well traveled, friends he cares deeply for who care just as deeply for him, and someone with whom to share that life.

I’m confident I’ll get there. Life is a work in progress with no hard and fast rules as to when certain things have to be achieved by. Just like when I run marathons, I spend most of the race watching a lot of people pass me. I trudge on at my own pace. Step by step. And even when it hurts and I want to stop I just remind myself that each step I take gets me one step closer to the goal. And it doesn’t matter if I come in first or last place. We all get the same medal.

So, today, I welcome this new decade as an opportunity to begin writing the next chapter of my story. While I may not be where I thought I would be, I’ve still got plenty of things in my life about which to be happy. And while I may not be where my peers are, I’ve learned that the race is only with myself.

Plus, I’m 30, and I can still put both of my feet behind my head. I’d say that makes me a winner!

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This is week 124 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you could change one thing to make life easier for your children, what would you do?

Well, the education system needs to be overhauled and fixed. Hell if I know how that needs to be done, but something needs done.

If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be?

A better soul.

If you could achieve absolute success in only one area of your life, what would you want it to be?

Career. But not current career. Dream job career.

If you could determine the careers of your children, what would you have them do, assuming they would be successful at it?

I don’t anticipate having children, but were I to ever punish myself with kids, I would want them to do whatever job they wanted to do. It’s not my place to tell someone else what to do.

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

1 comment

This is week 123 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you could, in retrospect, thank one teacher you had in school for what they taught you, who would it be, and what would you thank them for?

Well, the author of this question should obviously never thank his English teacher, because s/he still hasn’t learned that you should never end a sentence with a preposition, but I digress. I would thank Durley for introducing me to the arts at such a young age.

If you had to pick the worst television series ever made, what would win?

Any of VH1’s dating shows.

If you could reverse the ongoing extinction of any animal now endangered, which animal would you choose to save?

Humans. I realize we aren’t “endangered” but at the rate we’re killing ourselves with our lifestyles, it’s only a matter of time.

If you could make a film from any book never produced as a film, what book would you pick?

As a kid, I always wanted there to be a movie of A Wrinkle in Time.

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

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This is week 122 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you were to have your portrait painted, what would you choose as the setting?

Something like the view of Manhattan from Brooklyn. Or a view from a rooftop in midtown Manhattan. But the background has to be very blurry and out of focus as if using the portrait setting on a digital camera.

If you could choose the very last thing you would see before you die, what would it be?

My family

If you were to be cremated, where would you want your ashes scattered?

Some in my hometown, some in NYC, and some on Disney property.

If you had to choose your best sexual experience, what would it be?

The one I will have with you.

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

1 comment

This is week 121 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you were to be given an acting role in a current TV show, who would you want to play?

A high school student (haha!) on Glee.

If you could arrange for one thing to befall your boss, what would you have happen?

I would have him develop an uncontrollable urge to give me a big pay raise.

If you could start a new rock band, what would you name it?

The “How the Hell Did I Get a Rock Band” rock band

If you could have a servant come to your house every day for one hour, what would you have them do?

Clean my apartment and give me spa treatments.

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

1 comment

This is week 120 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you could teach your pet to do one thing, what would it be?

Clean the house.

If you could teach your mate to do one thing, what would it be?

Find me and ask me out.

If you could write letters to only one person for the rest of your life, who would receive them?

Family

If you were to be reincarnated as someone you know, who would it be?

I don’t want to be anyone I know. Not because I don’t think they have a fantastic life, but I don’t know if I’d find their lives so fantastic if I was actually living it. I’m sure I’d discover it isn’t all roses and rainbows.

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

1 comment

This is week 119 in my personal “If… Project” in which I answer questions from the book “If… (Questions for the Game of Life)”

There are 125 pages of this book, each with four questions. I plan to take one page each week and answer the questions as thoroughly and honestly as I am able. In addition, I invite you to answer the questions along with me, whether it be in the comments section, your own personal blog, or just within your own thoughts.

Perhaps in doing so, we will get to know each other better, but even more importantly, get to know ourselves better.

This week’s questions:

If you could have been the hero from any war, which war would it be, and for what heroic deed?

I don’t want to be in any war. Hero or not.

If you were to inhabit the world of any video or computer game, which one would you select?

Back when I played City of Heroes (very briefly), I always thought it would be fun to inhabit Paragon City and to be a real superhero.

If you could leave only one existing book for the world to have five hundred years from now, which book would you leave?

Conversations With God. But hopefully they won’t even need it by then.

If you just learned that tomorrow morning you were to be permanently exiled from your country and could take just three things with you, what would they be?

My family (includes Miss Jackson), my friends, and my computer. (Everything else can be shipped to me. Duh)

Those are my answers to this week’s questions. What are yours?

1 comment